being right doesnt always mean being happy. sometimes it means you will cry and wonder why the world is unfair. :-(

ME : idk if i can forgive karla
ME : i really dnt knw
ME : im sorry
ME : it's like... if i forgive u again
ME : u will find another way to hurt me
ME : over and over again

Karla : well all i know is that the hell you can put me through wont make up for the hell you're putting yourself through

ME : wasnt once enough? twice, thrice?

Karla : Im not gonna hurt you anymore

ME : i hate you
ME : and the fact that i love you so much
ME : i really really do

Karla : Ok

ME : i wish
ME : u never came into my life
ME : im sorry
ME : no desecration of hte past
ME : and yes
ME : this is hell
ME : but ive been in hell eversince karla
ME : and im sorry
ME : for hurting u like this
ME : why couldnt u love me
ME : that was all i wanted
ME : that u love me
ME : tell me
ME : pls

Karla : tell you what exactly

ME : why u couldnt lov eme
ME : why u wouldnt go back to me even though i asked so many times
ME : why u continued to hurt me

Karla : Idk to the first one and b/c in my heart I couldnt do that to you again

ME : u couldnt do that to me again? wth does that mean?

Karla : I couldnt hurt you again Shai you think I stayed away soley for my purposes but the truth is I was staying away for both of us I didnt want to hurt you either.

ME : hurt me?
ME : hurt me with what?

Karla : My actions

ME : what actions?

Karla : Any actions Shai

ME : ive loved u despite the lies
ME : i thought maybe u just needed someone to love you enough
ME : and i said to myself maybe if i suck it up and love you so much u will realize u dnt need the lies anymore
ME : that wasnt what hurt karla
ME : what hurt was the fact that sometimes it seemed even when i loved u so much... u did not care at all
ME : and when u lie to me... to someone who i think tried to show u that u dnt have to lie at least not to me... when u lie to me, it hurts even more
ME : that was what hurt karla
ME : can u tell me something pls
ME : did i not love you enough? just answer that

Karla : It wasnn't that
Karla : It's somethin Im batteling inside of me
Karla : the lying is something I have to fix not someone else
Karla : tho im getting better

ME : i wanted so badly to help you
ME : i dnt knw if u felt it
ME : but i really believed before that if i love u enough
ME : u would stop

Karla : No one can make me better Shai this is something I will have to deal with alone b/c its something thats been on going for YEARS

ME : -sighs-
ME : well at least ur aware of ur problems
ME : i gave up too soon i guess
ME : i still believe karla
ME : if the right person comes along and loves u more than i did... i know... u will get better
ME : i wish i could say i still want to be that person
ME : but not anymore
ME : ive hurt u now... and it's beyond repair
ME : i know u know me well karla
ME : and i know u know that it will be hard for me to go and ruin ur life or something
ME : please karla... stop the lies
ME : and i dnt mean about u sayign ur a boy
ME : i mean about everything

Karla : Don't worry Ive stoped I just cant go back on what Ive said before...not yet at least

ME : you can't go back on what uve said?
ME : oh about u being a boy

Karla : mhm

ME : it wouldve been nice if u started out fresh in ur new server
ME : well maybe in time

Karla : funny thing is the "gf" knows but still calls me shawn b/c thats what she met me as and i told her thats fine by me as long as she knows and she said she's ok with it

ME : :/
ME : should u be telling me this
ME : i thot u were gonna hold off till u get ur things together or something

Karla : well its part of letting you know that Im coming clean slowly

ME : do you love her?

Karla : I told you I havent told her I love her and since im more serious than her she sure as hell hasnt told me

ME : im not asking if u told her
ME : im asking if u do

Karla : 2 weeks into things is a little hard to tell....talking to her is hard (as in getting in touch with her)

ME : oh
ME : did u really love me... back when u said u did...
ME : i mean the first time
ME : did u really?
ME : the truth

Karla : yeah its something I only say when I mean it

ME : well how come 2 weeks is hard for you to think about
ME : sorry not that im pressuring u or anything

Karla : We're still getting to really really know each other

ME : i guess we missed that part
ME : i envy her
ME : you told her who you are
ME : you never trusted me enough to do that

Karla : We knew each other pretty well before we started dating with the one exception
Karla : and its not that I trusted her I just learned that it wasnt worth being in a relationship with someone that didnt know and having to go later and tell them is worse or letting them find out like you did

ME : -looks down-
ME : i wish u made that realization before "us"
ME : those are the things that hurt karla
ME : sorry

Karla : I know and im sorry as well

ME : again i had to find out that you already have someone
ME : although u prmised to tell me if u find someone else
ME : im not nagging
ME : im just saying this

Karla : Iknow Im sorry I am

ME : u knw i havent stopped crying since u started "coming clean"
ME : i should be happy that you stopped lying and that ur coming clean
ME : but reallly my question to God is, why did you have to hurt me first before realizing all this? did i deserve any of it
ME : sorry that was blasphemous
ME : why couldnt it be someone else and ill be the one that you love now?
ME : it's really... unfair :(

Karla : I know im sorry I am honest

ME : i am happy karla
ME : im happy for you and her
ME : i hope she learns to love you as much as you will lovev her
ME : is that why u deleted the myspace comments?
ME : did she ask that of you?

Karla : Nope

Karla : She doesnt look on my page
Karla : and if she did she would know they were old

ME : i figured u have other spaces

Karla : I just went through and deleted a lot of things b/c I was in a mood of sorts
Karla : I dont
Karla : well I have an old one that i dont remember the password to
Karla : I only use the main two

ME : can i ask her name?

Karla : Where you in my channel on the 7th?

ME : just her first name
ME : idk i think yeah

Karla : Pft I dont know her last name

ME : nicole?

Karla : Then you should know
Karla : Yeah

ME : oh
ME : then ive met her
ME : back in CR

Karla : Mhm she was an IRCop there

ME : but she's in australia

Karla : No she's not

ME : oh

Karla : Omaha, NE

ME : near enough i suppose
ME : i figured
ME : u put her number 1 in ur space

Karla : Thats an access thing
Karla : Top friends dont really matter to me
Karla : There are certain profiles I wanna access quickly and those four an the main noes
Karla : ones

ME : you remember the song u gave me
ME : guardian angel
ME : htere's a line there i took to heart
ME : "even if saving you sends me to heaven"
ME : im happy that ur being a better person for her
ME : and for yourself too
ME : but it cost me a lot
ME : for that happiness
ME : im not charging u
ME : lol
ME : i guess... it's a reminder that everything has a price to pay

Karla : yeah I guess so
Karla : and fyi
Karla : I havent sent that song to anyone else
Karla : nor will I

ME : yes but you don't mean it anymore
ME : the song itself is nothing
ME : if there's no meaning to it

Karla : The point is I relate it to a person weather I still feel that or not its permenantly related to you in my mind...I couldnt share that song with anyone else

Karla : *whether

ME : same with me
ME : thank u

Karla : Your welcome
Karla : and thanks for reminding me to turn my music on

ME : yw

Karla : You should be sleeping really

ME : yes
ME : but now i can't anymore
Karla : but?
Karla : why not
ME : thinking of things
ME : hating the world
ME : that sort of thing
ME : having a quarrel with god
ME : if that wont send me to hell
ME : but most of all
ME : u

Karla : Eh

ME : i meant u as in this... the conversation... everything... -shrugs-
ME : im all clogged up now
ME : lol
ME : karla
ME : this is major moment of weakness for me
ME : if i ask you to come back, what would you say?

Karla : I cant

ME : bec of her
ME : ?

Karla : not b/c i feel more towards her but that wouldnt be fair...
Karla : getting dumped for someone else sucks...and I just cant see it atm...not after whats happened

ME : i thot u werent in a real relationship
ME : im sorry
ME : u said it wasnt a deep one
ME : if it was serious i wouldnt have asked u

Karla : serious or not i cant do that to anyone

ME : u did it to me
ME : why am i always the exception

ME : -sighs-

Karla : i didnt dump you for anyone else...if looked like that im sorry but i didnt

ME : if the boat was sinking, who would you save karla, her or me
ME : the truth pls

Karla : both

ME : just one
ME : u can't pick both
ME : pls

Karla : i cant pick btw you two

ME : u should pick her

Karla : i wont pick

ME : im being selfish bec i want u so bad
ME : but with her u have a new start
ME : with me, we'll always have that dark past
ME : so u should pick her
ME : next time i ask you, u should say without hesitation that you will save her
ME : :)

Karla : eh im goin to lay down

ME : i mean it
ME : about being happy for you

Karla : thanks

ME : i hope karla that you won't lie again
ME : esp to her

Karla : I wont

ME : that's good

Karla : ttyl sleep well

ME : bye