of highs and lows...

I had the most fantastic birthday celebration yet in my life. and it's much thanks to my wonderful zimmie family :-) And Tal and Jit of course! :-)

i wished i had blogged before today so that i would've been in a much nicer mood.

- sniffles -

sabi ni lady kanina... "lam mo shai, you have this gift of touching people's lives eh... u always look out for others... what's good for them, are they ok, how they are feeling, etc." so how come im not good enough for something more?

disappointing. really.

and it's my fault in the first place. for even thinking. at all.

see. this is what happens when people overstep their boundaries. they confuse me and i end up all hurt and wounded.

this is so like paulo. the whole "mahal ko" issue. crap.

i swear. bakit hanggang dun lang ako lagi? im good only up to a certain point. but never more.

crap talaga.

kasi lam mo, i was fine eh. i was fine with the way things were before. and then you had to go and confuse me. and then you went ahead and disappointed me.

hanggang dun lang ba ako? always?

i touch people's lives daw.

nakakapagod lang minsan. that's all. kaya nga sabi ko, minsan gusto ko namang maging selfish. ayoko nang maging nice and caring and all that. i just end up hurting myself.

bakit for other people effortless ung mahalin or gustuhin ka nang iba? they don't have to do a single thing. they just have to exist and breathe air.

crap.

i really hate it when people do special things to you but end up not meaning it.

crappiest thing someone told me:

"hindi ko alam kung ano ung nangyari nun eh..." which translates to something like "hindi ako aware talaga nung ginawa ko ung mga bagay na un"

crap. sabi na... let's chalk it up to party high and overdrive eh. crap talaga.

im like a magnet for these kinds of things. ano ba ito? karma?

sana naisip ko nag-protest ako nung gawin un. para lang mapa-feel ko how crappy im feeling after he told me that it didn't mean a lot to him.

putcha. crap talaga.

i know i shouldn't be thinking like this or feeling this way. bec he's really a nice guy. and i know he didn't mean na bigyan ko ng ibang meaning ung actions nya. so yeah. he is a nice guy and maybe he just wanted talaga to express how grateful he is. but crap. sana pumili na lang sya ng ibang way. ung way na hindi ako nag-isip at na-confuse.

but as usual. life goes on. bukas paggising ko ngingiti ulit ako. parang wala lang. walang nangyari.

ganun naman ang life ko.

pero right now. masakit talaga. kanina ko pa gusto umiyak sa office pero pinigilan ko na lang. dami work eh. and besides hindi proper.

nung knkwento ko pa naman sa kanila ung nangyari, kilig na kilig kami. sabi nga ni rosie, when it rains daw it pours. ang swerte naman daw nung guy, in one day naka-dalawang halik sya.

pero putcha naman... when it rains, it pours but it floods. ang sakit talaga promise. akala ko pag nakakanood ako nang ganun sa movie, ung idedeny nung guy/girl ung actions nila and say na hindi sila aware nung nangyari un... kala ko sa movies lang un. apparently it happens pala in real life. crap talaga why these things happen to me.

like i haven't been hurt enough. :'( hindi pa ba enough ung before? give me a break naman. i mean... di na nga ako umaasa to be happier or to have more than what i have now. just... sana wala na lang mga ganun.

masakit talaga... lam mo gusto ko magalit sa kanya. promise. gusto ko magalit. gusto ko sya sampalin for having the audacity to kiss me kahit sa cheek or forehead lang. gusto ko talaga magalit. aba. outside family members, tatlo pa lang nakakahalik talaga sa akin. dalawa dun ex-boyfriend ko, at boyfriend ko sila nung gawin nila un.

sana man lang kahit konti may meaning sa kanya ung ginawa sya. or that he was aware when he did it. it hurts so freaking bad that to him he was just really thankful for having an experience that he will never forget. :'(

well you know what... im happy for you. im happy you had that unforgettable experience.

i just hate that i always have to pay the price for other people to be happy. bakit kelangan ako lagi ung nasasaktan? crap. wala bang ibang pwedeng umako ng position ko?

the funny thing was... mas espesyal sa akin ung halik sa forehead. ewan... for some reason to me that was more intimate.

when he did that kasi i felt so loved. like he was gonna keep the big bad world away and make sure im happy and loved and cared for. pero un pala he wasnt even aware when he did it. crap.

lam mo ung kantang "tulog na" ng sugarfree. parang ganun. kasi patulog na kami when he did that. as if he was kissing someone that he cherishes so much. sobrang gentle kasi the way he did it. crap.

he sat on the edge of the couch, tapos after asking if i was gonna be ok to sleep there... he leaned really close to my face and said "happy bday shai"... so i smiled and said "aww thank you"... tapos he put his hand in my nape and kissed my forehead. crap. crap talaga. pag naalala ko sya... it hurts even more. knowing he wasnt even aware that he did that. crap.

ung second time naman... nung nasa tapat na kami ng street nila. he said "thanks again shai, happy bday" and i said "thank you, sige na uwi na para u can rest na" tapos he leaned over and kissed my right cheek. :'(

crap. i think after nya bumaba ng sasakyan, i was holding my right cheek and making sure i didn't imagine it. crap.

crap. :'(