im tired

just got back from the beach... well technically four hours ago or so... pero im so pagod. ang haba kasi nung trip. parang dumating na kami sa dulo ng walang ek-ek. sabi ko nga, ano, nasa pilipinas pa ba tayo? aheheh...

but i guess when i said im tired, i didn't just mean physically... but im tired in all sense of the word. :-(

i wish it were just about work. but it's not even just about that. although that in itself is bad... bec i think im burning out. :(

im tired.

of being me. :(

parang ayoko na maging ganito na lang lagi.

ung tipong sabi nga ni pogs "friendly yan si shai eh"... kasi kahit di ka-friendly-friendly ung person, friendly pa rin ako. :(

tapos kahit nasasaktan na ako, smile lang ako.

kahit maysakit, wala sa mood, badtrip, may problema sa bahay, sige lang... work pa rin... ngiti pa rin... kala mo ok lang lahat.

well i suppose di lang ako ang gumagawa nyan. madami ding ibang tao na ganun.

pero im tired. un lang.

minsan gusto kong magalit... and i mean magalit talaga... without feeling guilty about it. without needing to feel that i have to say sorry for even being mean at all.

and then i want to start being a bit more selfish. ung tipong tama na ung lagi ko na lang kelangan unawain ung ibang tao at i-set aside ko ung feelings ko so they could be happy.

tapos gusto ko din maging cool and uncaring. ung tipong di ako apektado kng sakaling may masabi akong totoo pero masakit para sa yo... or wala akong pakialam kung super desperately in need of help ka na... eh sa ayokong mag-care.

naalala ko sabi ni layds... sabi nya... "lam mo shai pag nakikita ko kayo ni mely natutuwa ako... kasi ang bubbly bubbly nyo..."

minsan iniisip ko... plastik ata ako. kasi kahit masakit na deep inside, i wouldn't let you know if it meant making you happy or keeping you happy.

minsan kahit super kulit na ng kausap ko, nagpipigil akong may masabing masama or sobra kasi baka ma-hurt ung feelings nya. pero naisip ko, ako ba naisip nyang baka sumusobra na sya sa kakulitan nya at nasasaktan na ung feelings ko?

or minsan kahit gusto kong magalit for something someone did, di ko magawa kasi iniisip ko they didn't mean it naman... or they didn't intend naman na ganun ung mangyari. and then maiisip ko, inisip din kaya nila un bago nila ginawa ung action? kung anong magiging consequence nun sa gagawan nila?

im tired. un lang.

siguro paggising ko bukas, im not tired anymore. ngingiti ulit tayo na parang wala lang...

im really tired.