napapagod din ako.

ive been exchanging emails with my Dad about a certain topic. namely, me. and about the fact that i've been "moving away" from who my parents knew me. well, according to my Dad anyway.

i am actually crying while writing this. My Dad said, "oo nga at hindi na kita ginagastusan pero hindi ko alam na ganito pala ang kapalit" :'(

i guess this is sort of related to my previous post about living majority of my life in solitary. you know my family comes in pairs. My Dad, my mom. My brother, my sister-in-law. My nephews Kyle and Krel. My sister and Oishi. Tapos, me. aKo lang ang walang ka-pair. Well, it's weird like that. And I guess, since my sister-in-law and brother are not living together anymore, i guess that makes her a single one too.

Sabi ko sa Dad ko, "i don't know anymore what you expect from me." sabi ko kasi, ive been a good daughter to the best of my abilities. ive been the smart, talented, sweet, malambing, hardworking, achiever daughter to them. ive excelled in anything they put me. i made sure to excel kasi i know it would make them proud. yeah, this isn't some telenovela drama - it's my life.

ang selfish ko noh? yun yung naiisip ko kanina. Ang selfish selfish ko. ang brat ko.

i read somewhere, when you feel lonely and hurt, you must give yourself more to others to lessen the pain. that's why i always try to be as giving as i can to anyone - family, friends or officemates. basta give lang ng give. sabi ko, if i give more, mababawasan ung loneliness saka ung pain.

saka i read somewhere, God has this big box... and if you say your prayers and offer all your heartache, sorrow and pain to Him, He will take it away and put it somewhere very very far from you.

so that's what I do - give and give and give and pray to God to take away all the pain.

pero minsan parang gusto kong sabihin na: "akin, akin, akin. i want all of it. they're all miiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeeeee!!!!!"... tapos kakamkamin ko lahat, tapos akin lang lahat. as in akin lang talaga.

selfish di ba? oo, at pag naiisip ko na selfish ako, nahihiya ako sa sarili ko.

i first felt it when my Dad started auditing the credit card bill... so since then, i pay all my dues. as in all my dues. kaya secretly, naiinggit ako sa nephews ko... bec my Dad buys them everything and doesn't ask for payment in return. :/ i know that's really bad. that makes me like a 5-year-old brat. I'm old enough to pay my own bills and I can pay my own bills. Pero masarap kasi ung thought that my Dad still pays them for me. Well, he used to... now he's got my nephews to spoil instead.

Naisip ko, if my nephews weren't there, I'd have it all to myself. All the spoiling and the attention and the love. Bad Shaina. Selfish di ba?

Minsan i hate myself. I am selfish deep inside. Pero dahil nahihiya ako sa sarili ko whenever I get selfish thoughts, I always make sure to be generous to others. Bad di ba? May tawag ata dun... hypocrite. :/

I project this bubbly self but deep inside, I'm lonely and hurting and scared. Plastik. :/

Kahit bad trip, ngingiti ako. Kahit di ko feel ung person or that person has wronged me, i would still smile and try to help that person when s/he needs it. Plastik di ba?

Kasi nga, feeling ko if i give more of myself to others, it would lessen the pain and the loneliness I feel.

But i think it's just creating more of a vacuum inside me. Iniisip ko, meron din kayang tao that would go out of his/her way to fill up the emptiness inside me?

Pagod lang ako. I am tired for a really long time. Sometimes nothing seems to matter anymore. :/