The three D's

I will tell you about three D's in my life right now.

1. Disappointment.

Right now I cannot begin to tell you how disappointed I am. With the system and with myself.

Since I have often talked about how disappointed I am with the system, we'll just skip that part or this blog may be several pages long... so let's talk about my disappointment with my self.

I am disappointed because I felt as if I cheated myself. I robbed myself of something. The f*d up thing was that I wasn't aware that I was doing it. As I told a co-worker and a friend earlier, "Had I known, I would have acted more like one... but I didn't know. I only knew this week. And I still don't even believe it. And now, it's too late and it felt like I deprived myself of something." [Cue music "You're beautiful" by James Blunt... swear it just played in my WM player...]

It felt like I missed the bus again. You know I'm amazed how people manage to keep up. I feel like I'm always chasing something. By the time I catch up, I realized it's gone again. And I missed the next one too because I was busy catching up to the first. It's like an eternal game of tag. And I'm getting tired of running. I feel like I'm gonna end up like Samantha from the movie "Now and Then". She was so afraid of the bad things happening in her life that the good things never came. :-/

2. Deprivation.

After the disappointment came the feeling of being deprived. And this is such an understatement because I know full well that I am not deprived. Not of material goods, of emotions, of love, of family, of friends, of a good job, of salary... I am not deprived of all this. Except maybe peace, happiness and self-worth. Yeah. That three... among other things.

I just want to be myself again. I want to be happy. I want to not care anymore. Back when everything was simpler, I was happy just being me. I was happy and I did not care about many things except that I give 200% of myself. I want to go back to that time. I want to go back to that time when I am not overcome with sadness, bitterness, anger, frustration, and all the bad things. I just want to be a simple happy worker again. I want to do what I do best... that is to work and give of myself without expecting anything in return. Well maybe kindness in return, but not much more.

I have deprived myself of happiness these last months... by my own doing, I deprived myself happiness. No more. I will seek my happiness in however I can. I will be happy. I will be happy. I will be happy.

3. Depression.

So I am depressed. Once again I have in a way, failed. I consider it a failure. To me it is. It may not seem so for a lot of people but it is to me. I guess my ingrained habits are kicking in again. They do say people who fail often become the greatest of winners. I believe so too. I have failed often enough to know that. I just need to gather my strength and fight once more. Right now though, I am f*n tired and I don't have much fight left in me.

I am so sad it's impossible to describe. I guess I was going so high up my horse that I failed to look at what's happening. I don't know... I don't know much anymore. But after today, I realized nobody can truly make me happy. I make myself happy. Although I disdain to say it, Nick is right... "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." :-/ I guess I had been to naive or too expectant that because I do things this way, that it will come back to me in this way too. That is just wrong. And I have to stop that.

I have forgotten my self because I was too ambitious and I was too expectant of things. I have forgotten that it isn't me to want something so bad. Good things do not usually happen to most people... and I am one of those to whom good things come and go but never truly stay for a long time. I was wrong to think things would be that easy. Nothing is ever easy in my life... haven't I learned my lessons? I wasn't even born yet and I had to fight for my survival... what makes being 24 any different? Oh, I know... I have to fight even more.

And there we go... being all bitter and whiny all over again. Stop. Enough. Today... today means I am just me. I will be just me. I will work because I have nephews I need to look after. I will work because I am a masochist who does not know her self-worth and will do anything to please the people around her. I will work because I love my job. I will work tirelessly without expecting anything in return. And I will not gripe anymore. I will be happy.

I have not been myself for a long time because I thought I could cut off from myself all that I love and all that I am passionate about. But it only made things worse. I am who I am. And I am the kind of person who will work because it brings me joy. It's about time that I do that again. Regardless of the consequences, the benefits if there are, the negative things which I hope do not come... I will work.

I forgot who I am. A person for others.
I forgot my beliefs. Magis - excellence in everything.
I forgot my religion. + Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam +