slipping away...

Among the many insights and profound wisdom in "The Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann, these lines are my favorite:

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

A great professor of mine in college often told us about comparing oneself only to oneself; never to others. If you must make a comparison, compare the then and the now.

The sad thing is, I've been feeling that who I am today is a shadow of who I was before. Well actually I'm a little confused... I was just telling a colleague earlier this week that I feel more mature and wiser compared to before... only because I'm coming out of my shell slowly. I'm learning to play the big boys and big girls' game.

Maybe it's just the book... it's displacing me. I'm feeling less certain about where my life is headed, again, because reading that book is like looking in a mirror - I see me in all the "mistakes" mentioned. Or maybe it's because once again, I'm feeling "not good enough".

A prime example is mistake #8: "Waiting to be given what you want". How many times have I done this, not only at work, but in my entire life. Is it wrong to believe that good things come to those who wait? I'm displaced because I have many "wants" that sometimes I feel like I'm this truly horribly selfish person - me, me, me. I often consciously have to pull myself back sometimes because I want it all, but I have to remind myself that others need it more than I do. I just want it because I'm a naturally selfish person - but others need it for a deeper, "righter" reason.

I'm not even halfway through the book and I realized that I will mostly likely never see the top of the ladder... not because I don't believe in what the book is saying... but because in most instances, I've already made conscious decisions about what to do and what not to do.

It's affecting not just how I see the workplace, but life in general. I know that's silly because the objective of the book is really to coach success in the workplace... but I can't help but draw parallel lines to life in general.

Just like mistake #8... In paraphrase, it's simply saying to go for what you want. Well I did that already, didn't I? I took the plunge. I went out on a limb and put my heart, my pride, my sanity on the line. And... nothing. Many friends tell me to just get over it... move on and forget. Some tell me to test the boundaries even further... to go "all in" as poker-maniacs would say. I just don't know if I can handle hurting all over again. And going "all in" means I'm not going to have a fallback in case things go even further south. And where would I be then? All broken up in tiny, tiny pieces.

One friend told me: "well, shai, if he really means a lot to you..."

Then I made the mistake of re-reading his reply. I really shot myself in the foot on that one. It got me further confused because reading it now was way different than reading it 6 months ago. Did I misread his intent? I'm not so sure anymore. Reading it before hurt like hell and elicited all the wrong emotions in me. Reading it now... gah! I'm more confused than ever.

I don't know if I should stay or jump... if I should wait or push the envelope further. Is this fueled solely by my need to know or am I really in this for the long haul? Now I don't know. I used to be so sure of what I want and where my life is heading. Now I'm so effing confused.

I never liked being confused. It's seriously a waste of time... time that you could be spending deciding on something instead of being confused.

But right now, this is where I am. Confused.