getting old doesn't mean forgetting what it was like to be young...

i was in the toilet earlier thinking... and really you shouldn't try it... i don't think toilets are places you should think in.

anyway.

i was thinking that in 10 months, i'd be 27. closer to 30. which means i'm closer to almost half of my life. which means i'm getting older.

and maybe it's just sinking to me... the getting older bit. i guess i stopped thinking i was getting older after my 18th birthday. no kidding. i still pause each time i realize i'm 26. no way i'm 26.

26-year olds are supposed to be mature. wiser. stronger. i'm not any of those things. i think. i'm still waiting for that moment when i can look at myself with pride... when i can relish in the achievements i've made in my life.

i'm not sure if i just don't appreciate myself or there really isn't an achievement to appreciate to begin with.

and all this thinking came about because i was in the toilet at 4am after a marathon of Slam Dunk. *rolls eyes*

i remember watching Slam Dunk in high school... and getting an instant crush on Sendoh Akira. bwahahaha. on him and on Kogure Jin. I love three-pointers. And the whole do'ahou thing with Rukawa Kaede and Sakuragi Hanamichi.

And of course after watching, i couldn't help but revisit my old love - reading fanfiction. there are seriously so many good writers out there. and they so generously contribute their talents to people like me who enjoy their works so much.

i had more passion when i was younger. i had too many clubs in highschool. i had a lot of extracurricular activities. even in college, i managed to be really involved in our org on top of my other duties in the school. i had a major and three minors in College - i had to max out the allowable units every sem and gave up three summers! what happened now? i can barely keep up with work.

it really isn't different than school. i actually think school was much harder. well, much harder but less scarier. so what gives? is it the age thing? i'm more tired bec i'm not as young as i used to be?

oh i used to play basketball in highschool, write for the school paper, organize events, be a girl scout, do well academically, meet with friends, watch movies, blah blah blah... and now? it's all just about work. it's like a huge blackhole of energy.

i also wasn't as sickly when i was studying. not even in lawschool. what gives? is work really this huge ball of blackhole energy that sucks the life force out of you? that sounds so terrible.

maybe it's bec life was much much simpler back then. i can enjoy a multitude of activities and hobbies and do well in all of them. but now... it got a little more complicated.

and who's fault was that? no one. that's just how it is. i just became much more passive as the years went by. i have all these ideas of things to do in my head... but never found the time.

you know that old cliche, if you can't find the time, make it? that just might be true. because for sure, i will never find time to do the things i want or the things i'm truly passionate about. i have to make time. starting right now.

oh, i used to write a lot too when i was younger. serious writing, not just blogging. i could start with that...