bakit nga ganun... (part 2)

for the first time in a long while... i visited her myspace. well i didn't see much... just a picture and some words... but it was enough to break my heart all over again.

bakit nga ganun... akala ko tapos na un. i deleted everything na eh. the pics, the accounts, the ties, even the ties to ym or msn... everything talaga. pero isang saglit lang un... and the pain is back a hundredfold. naisip ko na naman... bakit mas mahal nya sya? bakit hindi ako ung mas mahal nya? di ba unfair? am i not meant to be loved? am i not lovable enough? ahehhe... stupid questions which will only earn me stupid answers. -sigh-

i just remebered her all over again. grabe, layo pa ng july ganito na ko... sana when july comes around hindi ko ubusin ung araw kaka-iyak. sabi ko sa last post ko let go... learn to let go. learn to accept that some things will not move forward. ano nga ung sabi ko dati? the reason why some people in your past did not make it to your present is because they are meant to stay in the past. i should listen to myself sometimes.

-sighs-

it isn't as if i want to get back with her... or that i want to bring back things. super gulo kaya nung time na kami. as in. i guess... ang masakit is... bakit kailangan masaktan ako nang husto for her to grow up and learn to love another person for real? para akong sacrificial lamb in the great quest to teach her maturity. bakit naman ako pa?

im sorry... should i be happy that she became a better person? well yeah i am. in a masochistic sort of way. -sighs- if i were gonna be selfish, id say BS... bakit kailangan may masaktan para may ibang lumigaya? wth... i don't think i ever stole anyone else's boyfriend. karma ba ito? learning curve? FS namang learning curve ito...

-sighs-

it was a bad idea to stay off sim city societies tonight. sabi ko kasi gigising ako ng maaga bukas for our lunch celebration. -sigh-

i mean i should be happy for a lot of things... and i mean happy talga dahil na-achieve namin ang team metrics namin and i almost got perfect on my individual metrics. that means huge bonus for me this payday. aside from that my work and my relationship with my teammates are doing extra well. my finances are ok too... for the first time after a long long time, i have money in the bank again. everything is going superbly in my life. i should count my blessings. and i do. every day. i thank the Lord for blessing me and my family so much.

i guess... i was hoping i could have it all. nice job. nice pay. nice savings. nice family. nice boyfriend. -sigh- pending pa ung last. hanggang ngayon looking pa din for the nice boyfriend. -sigh-

pag na-meet ko na sya... ung nice boyfriend... i hope i don't screw it up. haha...

:'(