stuck.

i spent all weekend listening to just one song. The piano instrumental version of Moonriver. I don't know why but it soothes me.

It makes me believe that it's just round the corner. Whatever it is. It makes me feel sad and happy at the same time.

The tears are falling again... if i'm not careful, i would lapse into depression again.

I watched an episode of House (season 4) last Saturday i think... and this one episode, there was this suicidal man who was brought to the hospital for attempted suicide. And he tells House that "there's more" and this guy really wants to die because he says it was better in the other world. :/

I don't think i was ever suicidal... well if you counted that one incident when i was in 4th grade... i locked myself in my room and tried to slash my wrists. Don't ask. It was over something stupid: grades. After that... i don't know... no matter how painful, i never really thought of dying as a solution. I mean sure, yeah... dying sounds really good. Then I would just think of my family.. my Mom and my Dad... all of them... my little nephews... my closest friends... imagine how sad they would be and all kinds of pain and agony i would bring to them if i kill myself. So no... i don't really get the tendency or the urge often enough.

I'm just in a funk i guess. Sometimes it feels so good to just die. Stop breathing. Stop feeling. Stop hurting. Stop remembering everything hurtful and painful. Stop all the "what-ifs" and "would-have-beens". Stop. Just to stop.

It's just the date. I'm sure when this is all over, i will feel much better. I would be happy and be bubbly all over.

Last night in IRC, Nick said something like "Bubbles: look at my greet" in MW. And his greet was "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." It kinda stung. I began to think, am i a hypocrite because I am like that? First of all... do i? do i expect kindness in return? :/

I guess in some level, yes... i expect kindness in return. I guess ive always worked in a "if im nice and good and kind, then everything will be nice, and good, and kind." And i guess in so many levels, that is so wrong. that makes ME a hypocrite. :/ Sometimes i ache because i don't know why good people have bad things done to them. I ache because i never really understood how she could treat me like that. i loved her. i believed her everytime. i trusted her. i fought for her. i went against some people to be with her. but she still hurt me. lied to me. :/ why is that?

It's just the date. It's making me all confused and sentimental and melancholy. It's making me all teary-eyed at freaking 2:40am. :/

-sighs-