bitter.

recently i had been so f'n happy in my life, it's almost a sin to be "more" happier.

these past months (june and july) had been a rather happy and peaceful time in my life. but im sensing i have used up my "happy" times and like all things, there must be a yang to the yin. so i am deeply sensing dark and troubled times ahead.

i am not being a pessimist... i am just anticipating the natural order of things. it's unnatural to be this happy for more than a couple of months (usually) for me.

my doubts, my fears, the pain and everything bad, are all resurfacing. i have never really resolved them. i just shoved them into the corner because it had been too much to deal with them and everything else. and to keep my sanity, i had to "pretend" they did not exist. i had to tell myself things will change. things will get better. things will be ok from now on.

but they are not. things are snowballing as we speak. i am submerging into a state of limbo again - part happy, part sad, part frustrated. oh hell i'm frustrated about a lot of things.

1) Jap's status. i hate it. i hate the fact that nothing is done about him. or if something is being done, it's taking f'n long. it's really unfair. i am short of writing to *** myself just to get some answers or get things started. i want to believe in the system but the system keeps on disappointing me. Jap was once a person who discouraged me from resigning; he was once the one to say we should give the system a chance. Well now the situation's reversed. And i really ache a lot for him. I ache so much for him. As much as i did for Layds. It's just so unfair. And like Anais, by the time something has been done, it might be too late. :'(

2) Something that's bound to happen could lead to more disparity. And when it does, trust me i will explode. I know that i shouldn't be volatile. I know i should think before i act. :'( This is really a bad trait of mine. But i know i will not be able to hold back my feelings when that particular thing happens. It will not be fair to a lot of people. People who might have been gone by the time it happens. And although it no longer applies to them, it is still unfair. And I am purely revolted just thinking about it.

3) The system. Is definitely not working out. And i'm not just talking about one thing. Something is out of whack and we have all been putting it aside for a while. Pretending it can only get better. But it doesn't. It only gets worse. Imagine that while requesting for a particular item, they told me i had to state my purpose in "complete sentence". As if the purpose i've written wasn't quite clear enough. And imagine that some did not even have to go through the requisition process. It was the red carpet all the way for them. But some unfortunate 'uns, like myself, have to go through the xray machine aka the eye of the needle thoroughly. -gags here- i hate it. i absolutely do. i wish i could fill out a form and address it to someone. And not just to vent out my feelings, because that's what blogs are for, but for someone to take action. For someone to actually "do" something to resolve the issues.

4) I'm beginning to doubt myself. I'm beginning to lose focus. I don't know what I want anymore. Back in May I lost all my illusions about my job. Make no mistake, i love my job. I love what i do. But back then before i crossed over to the dark side, I am inspired everyday bec i know i was (was being the operative word) aiming for something. I was hoping to get somewhere. And i thought i was. A month later, i realized i don't give a shit anymore. Almost three months later, i am forever scarred. I am disgusted at myself bec it felt like i was this sucker who believed every word. And i guess i am. And it hurt bec it made me realize i cannot, CANNOT, absolutely rely on any of them. I cannot even begin to describe how much I hurt. I don't know if they have a plan, if they're making one, or if they had one but cannot for some reason go through with it. Nor do I care anymore. Funny thing is, I think by the time they finally come up with something, I would've lost all enthusiasm for it. By the time they do something, I would've been so bitter that it would mean nothing. It'll just be a new title, a new role, same responsibilities, same old shit.

I told my entire family I had been promoted back in May. It's three months later and I am still paying for my over-excitement. I am so ashamed of myself. I cannot bring myself to tell my parents that it isn't true. That it didn't push through. And everytime I am reminded of it, all the more i feel the pain it caused me. And whenever I look at the thing that reminds me of it, I feel sick at the stomach. I want to pretend it's a bad dream. It's not fair. It is so not fair.

I'm so bitter and I hate it. This has made me so bitter. If i should get promoted tomorrow or next week, I probably would feel a hollow kind of happiness/excitement. Or worse, I would feel angry. I have lost my sense of self and value. I don't know anymore who I am and what I am able to do.

It would've been much better had nothing been said. If people just say, "great work Shai, keep it up" and stopped at that. But no... people had to say, "oh you're all stepping up, getting promoted, etc". But um, where exactly is that? Really... i would rather not have known. Would rather not have something dangled in front of me. It would've been so much better that I am not waiting for something to happen. Promises, promises, promises.

I am sick and tired of waiting for their promises to materialize.

This is me quitting on them. Watch me.

No more extra work. No more working over 9 hours. Not a second more.

No more doing work that is not part of my job description. No more templates. No more training sessions.

I will review my job description and write to *** on Monday and clear up exactly what I should and should not be doing based on the contract I signed. If they're not happy with it, then we've reached the end of the line.

I am disgusted with myself. I have become bitter. :/