...

wala akong maisip na title. heh.

anyway, it's a Friday night... ang aga kong umuwi from the office... himala di ba? actually, i've been doing that for quite a while now. there are just some things i don't feel comfortable or feel quite right about myself and my work lately.

but this post isn't really about that. andami kasing nagbabasa ng blog ko, mahirap ng ma-sanction for practing the freedom of speech. siguro in my private blog i'll write it there. anyway...

na-realize ko lang why in college, we studied about people who asked the questions "who am I?" and "why am i here?"

wala lang... nung isang araw, na-realize ko nakakapagod din minsan... you exert your best effort at everything pero hindi lahat yun babalik sa yo. was it wrong for you to expect something to at least come back to you, kahit kaunti lang? i don't know. Catholicism tells me i shouldn't expect anything in return... but that's not how I felt all those times. :-/

and then when i do feel like i want to be selfish, and as so many people tell me, love myself more... mas lalo akong nagiging sad. i feel like i'm so self-centered. is that bad in itself? i don't know.

feeling ko these past few weeks, i existed in this bubble and i'm so detached from people. wala ako sa sarili lately. parang lumulutang lang ang buhay ko. actually, the way i explained it was, i felt like i'm drowning and help is nowhere around.

but we'll see... sabi ko iintay pa ako konting panahon. baka nagiging impulsive na naman ako.

napapagod na kasi ako. hindi ko alam kung pano ko sasabihing, STOP. everyone just expects that i can do it. and i know i can. and i am able to do it. but at what cost? i'm not even happy anymore. feeling ko ang unfair kasi i can't even be happy even if i'm able to surpass the challenges. bakit ganun?

was it too much to want to be happy? -sigh-

ang complicated ko lang siguro. ako kasi ung tipong, kahit ayoko, gagawin ko pag sinabi mong i have to do it. :-/ kahit deep inside hindi ako masaya or hindi ako fulfilled, gagawin ko pa din at tatapusin ko sya kasi sabi mo i have to do it. siguro lang, at this point, lagpas na sa level na kaya ko syang i-tolerate.

ano bang gusto ko?

i don't know. i just want to be fulfilled and to feel a little satisfaction in what i'm doing. to be at least happy when i have achieved something. pati kasi ung happiness wala na. parang ubos na lahat ng emotions ko.

ayun. i feel drained. exhausted. :-/

pero lahat naman ganun ang feeling. so bakit ako? eh kasi nga immature pa ako. minsan nga gusto kong mag-act na bobo or tanga, para lang hindi nila isipin na kaya ko palagi. my bad, i guess. because i stood up to the challenge. maybe i shouldn't have in the first place.

-shrugs-

i can't find happiness anymore. not even in the little things. i feel like it's not me anymore because i'm not giving 200% of myself :-/ eh bakit hindi ko ginagawa yun? kasi may gusto akong patunayan. gusto kong ibaba nila ang expectations nila. kahit alam kong kaya ko, ayoko na itaas pa nila nang itaas yung level of expectations nila. hindi naman ako robot. napapagod din ako. -sigh-