Turning 25

... and opening my eyes.

Earlier today, I said I wished I'm still blissfully ignorant... today however, is another notch on my wall of deep frustrations.

I promised to stay because there are things I have to do and this is my ride to it... -sigh-

When did I lose the will? I don't know... somewhere along the way, I dropped my passions and I lost my inspiration.

What used to be something akin to my entire universe... is now a mere speckle of its former self. It's really sad. I should've stopped when I had the chance, but the thing is, back then at that point, I didn't know I wanted to stop, much less that I needed to.

Now, you might as well look at me like I'm a zombie. Because that's what I am. I'm a living dead. I'm dead inside and alive only because I force myself to live.

It's not really so bad. It's just really sad. I am sad because I hate change. And something fundamental in me has changed. I know I will adapt and get used to it... but for now, this is leaving a very bitter taste in my mouth.

Truth be told, I think I'm a better person than I ever was. Being this dead, is making me realize just how alive I am. I know it doesn't make sense but that's really what this is. That part of me had to die, or at least wilt, so that the rest of me can start feeling alive.

It's sad. But just like the song from "Postcards from Heaven" (Lighthouse Family), "If you never say goodbye to the best things in your life... there are things you don't appreciate at all". True that. I never realized how full my life is, till I had to let go of THAT which occupied most of my waking hours.

I think I'm liking this... slowing down. It's been what? 18 years since I did this. I've always felt like my life is running ahead of me and I always need to catch up to it. But this... this slowing down... I think I like it. Gives me a different perspective. Allows me to appreciate my entire existence, and for once in my life, appreciate me. Not the things I do, or the people around me, or the awards, the honors, the validations... no... for once, appreciate me. Even without all those. Just me.

I've forgotten one of my favorite quotes from A. Einstein, "Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I was expecting, hoping, for something different, yet I never did anything different than usual. Well, this is different... and I want to find out what would happen differently.

I don't think of this as QLC (as someone told me... quarter-life crisis) because it's silly to think of it that way. I'm not gonna live to 100... i think... so this isn't QLC. This is just... perspective. Taking reins... living life with no regrets.

I like this.