now i get it...

... dawned on me what's wrong with me all this time. well, not all that's wrong with me... lol... but a huge part.

-sigh- thanks coleen... 'coz u helped me make a big decision tonight. and yeh, i should've done it months/years ago. but i was too scared to find the truth. well, you're right, scared isn't gonna get me anywhere...

so, i took a huge pill of courage tonight. im keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best. but im also ready to face the worst. it's about time kasi... i should move on with my life, especially if there is nothing in the past that i should hold on to.

so that's why... i guess... im this hard on myself, on life, on the future. coz i haven't moved on. it felt like i did, but i kept one foot stuck in the door, preventing that door from fully closing. well, now it's time to find out whether i will reopen that door, or shut it permanently.

ive lost a decade already of my life... because i didn't see the warning signs. i curse myself for being stupid and pathetic and just waiting for things to happen. i hope not to lose any more of it, so... with some push from a good friend... eto na.

the wait is almost over. *fingers crossed*

whatever the answer is, i'd take it as it is. if it's not what im hoping for, then i'll leave it at that and get a move on. if it so happens to be what i'm hoping for, then we'll see... even with that, i have things to square off in my life so i won't mess the second time around.

oh Lord... this is almost as agonizing as waiting for my college entrance exam results.