how is it possible?

You know that feeling when you feel like you've forgotten something, but it doesn't seem that way... but that you're sure you did forget something but just can't remember what?

Or the feeling of trying to fool yourself? Of trying to hide behind a smile, a look, an act? Of projecting an emotion that's totally the opposite of how you feel inside?

Let's just say I'm finally admitting to myself that it's just not possible... to stop... to go back on what i said... it's just not.

I swear that's like so effing ancient history and even when i don't think about it, it sneaks up behind me and then delivers a strong punch into my face.

It's just not possible... it's not. So I might as well resign myself to the fact... that that's my fate.

I need another fortune teller... one who will not tell me what the other three fortune teller/palm reader/feng shui expert said... i know it's crazy to believe in these things, but mind you i read palms so to NOT believe that someone else has THAT gift is akin to doubting myself. My palm readings have been known to be accurate and whatever predictions i dole out, very few of them as i don't like pre-empting things, have been known to happen, with the exception of ONE time, but because on that one, i broke my self-imposed rule.

Anyway, the few times i let other people practice their gifts on me, they pretty much said the same thing... *shudder*... and these people came from different places, different times and different networks of people.

Even then i refused to believe... i just didn't want to...

I always advocate self-will... true, there are things that have been laid out already as part of the master plan... but no one can make you walk down that path, except you. So even if that is destiny... i refuse to believe that it is unchangeable... i wanted to be able to change at least that part...

But -sigh- fighting with destiny is never easy... I know that i've got try harder... i just have to. Meanwhile, i'll just have to ignore these flashbacks, these pangs of emotions inside me... i've got to, or i might do something stupider than last time.

And i can just imagine what fodder that will be for this blog. LOL.