... a lady with a plan. believing that life is a neat little package, i hold in my hands. i've got it together, they call me the girl who knows just what to say and do. still i fumble and fall, run into the wall... 'coz when it comes to you, i'm just another woman in-love.
so im back to the drawing board. i've been thinking over the weekend and in moments when i have nothing else to occupy my mind. badtrip nga, kelangan lagi ako may ginagawa, kung hindi napapaisip lang ako ng kung anu-ano.
1) iniisip ko kasi... if i'm in-love with the concept of being in-love. of being secure in the though that i'm human like everyone else... that i'm capable of falling in-love. of not being in total control of everything in my life.
2) iniisip ko din... ok, what if non-existent yung problem ko. what if by some miracle of the cosmos, the stars aligned and we ARE together. hhmm, what then? would i still feel what i feel?
3) iniisip ko din... takot lang ba akong sumugal? that there could be someone else for me, pero ayoko lang itaya yung destiny ko, kaya gusto ko pati yung uncontrollable part na yun eh kaya kong i-control? na ayoko mag-take chances on the unknown, so pinipilit ko na *sya* na nga...
:: at this juncture, naisip ko may fallacy yung train of thought ko kasi numbers 1 and 3 are contradictory. that means only one of them can be true... hhmmm ::
at this point, iniisip ko better pigilan ang sarili before i do something reeeeeeeaaaaaalllllyyyyyyyy stupid. waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy stupider than last time. and last time was really bad, mind you. so going now from bad to worse is worse than you can possibly imagine.
iniimagine ko what it would feel like if i get to hold your hand again... hahahah... ang weird ko talaga. pati mga ganung bagay naiisip ko. ewan. it's really the season. i'm getting senti bec of the season.
i've always known that i'm very blessed and lucky in this life. i was born with brains. i was born into a family that cared for, loved, and supported my every dream. i was born into a father who's strict and a perfectionist, and to a mother who's the bestest stage mom ever. i was born the youngest so i was always spoiled, even to a fault sometimes. i was raised to be a good girl, went to the best schools, had friends i can trust and rely on, had good jobs... o di ba, what more could someone like me want in life? i had and continue to have the best in life. to want to be happier is... really selfish. there are people out there who don't have half of what i've had in my life. tapos i pray to God for something more.
selfish ba kung gusto ko na sana patas yung laban? self-centered ko ba masyado dahil gusto kong labanan yung odds? gusto ko magkaroon naman ng chance na i-try... baka lang mag-work out. baka sakali, yung malaking void sa life ko, mapunan na.
i've had this crazy belief that everything in life is won by being the best. but surprisingly, life doesn't work that way. true, there are some things that can be won that way... but there are more priceless things that are just given... just because. not earned, not won, not fought for... just given.
i know God has a plan for me... that this void i feel is just a waiting time for something grand. all my life, He has blessed me with so much more than i wished for. i'm just being restless... that's all.
"When morning awakes me, will you come and take me, I'll wait for you... You know how I feel, I won't stop until I hear your voice saying 'I do'"
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