old post: looking at myself a year back

I was browsing my blog, which I've kept sort of faithfully over the past two years or so... and I came upon this one entry that just literally made me laugh:

Title: to be or not to be... is not really a question :-/
Date: Sept 11, 2008
Entry:
Haaay.

Only three days ago, my concerns were really simple: improve the performance of my non-performing hotels, maintain the strong performance of my top performers, complete my weekly tasks of consolidating reports, deliver hotel requests in an efficient way... in short, my life was pretty uncomplicated. Although not boring, it was a lifestyle that I know well how to handle.

Then boom. September 9, 2008 had to happen.

Suddenly, I HAVE to worry about more than just hotel requests or PABC reports. I have to worry about Profit and Loss analysis. I have to worry about hiring people. I have to worry about Sales and Marketing processes. I WORRY about the WIG session and making a scoreboard. :'(

I know I'm not alone in any of this. But I feel really scared. Sometimes, I cry in the middle of the day just to get off some stress. I'm so scared. I really really am.

*Breathe... breathe... breathe...*

I can't even worry how people will see me in this new role. Because to worry about that is too trivial of a matter. But I do anyway. I worry a lot. All my life, I've always had to prove something to someone. And although that's a fact of life, you know, proof of your being... it's just too tiring sometimes. I was really envisioning just being a great manager for quite a while. I was looking forward to just enjoying my role, exploring my strengths and weaknesses as a manager. I haven't even begun a portion of it and then boom.

I *AM* happy. Crap. I say that as if I have to remind myself that I am happy.

It's just too sudden. I'm thrust into the limelight and I feel as if I'm such a redneck.

I guess I never did like being in unfamiliar territory. Being clumsy and not knowing where to step, or to hold on to, or what to do or where to go.

I'm really so scared. I really really am scared.

James said I should be brave. He said "Real bravery is not the absence of fear; it is forging ahead despite the fear." I am. I'm trying everyday to be a little stronger and a little braver. But I'm so scared.

During the day, when a thought strikes me, I just stare at nothing and the fear settles in. Something like, what the f'k was I thinking??? Do I think I can do this? Did I actually believe I can do this?

I'm so scared. I really am so scared.

I know that tomorrow I will once again try to be a little braver and a little stronger. But tonight, I just want to cry here in my bed. I want to be a little girl and cry. Because I'm scared. I am really really truly scared. Tomorrow, I will be brave. But tonight, I have to just cry all my fears and my doubts and hope they stay away at least until I get home again tomorrow.

I was really hoping and looking forward to just enjoying what I've achieved so far. But they do say there's no rest for the wicked.

This is a blessing and I thank God for giving me this opportunity and for blessing me so much. And I know that HE will not give me something that HE knows I can't carry. So I know that *this* HE gave me because HE knows that I can bear it. So I have to be braver and stronger. I just have to.

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LMAO. yun lang.

I've forgotten how freaking scared i was of all this a year ago... makes me feel a little better after reading it... seeing how trivial my fear was back then.

Well it was essential... to fear... because without it, i think i wouldn't come as far as i've gone now. The fear was essential, but overcoming it was the trick.

I want to keep this entry... and re-read it for when something comes my way and I get scared. This should remind me... that facing my fears and forging ahead bears fruit... in time.