finding out about my core

i like being in vehicles and watching the scenery pass me by... it allows me to think... you know when you see the same thing everyday, it all just blurs into one big thing... and then it sort of frees yourself from being demanded to pay attention...

so having decided at the very least that i need to reacquaint myself with myself, i began to ask one of the big questions i have to answer about myself - what is my core?

not that i can answer that in its totality now... but i think i've found one. and looking back, i think this is about 80% true. that is... i need to validate myself. put in another way, i need to do something that validates me.

and when i realized this, i think back on my life and realized it is actually this need that drives me - well at least one of them, i've yet to know if there are others. whether it be school, college, or work, i need to do something that validates me. just like in school, i was an over-achieving nerd because i need to accomplish and achieve something that validates my existence, my worth. the same thing in college. and even at work.

now whether this need is an actual core or whether it is one of the fabricated realities about myself - this i don't know yet. but at least i'm acknowledging that this exists and this, historically, is one of the things that motivate me.

which is most likely the reason why doing something for extended periods of time bores me. i can't do prolonged things... i need to work on something within a specific period and see results. otherwise, if the results take time or if the results that i want to see take time, i either get bored or get stressed about it and then it snowballs from there. which actually makes me incompatible with tenure (haha!) and commitment (ahem!). -shrugs- or maybe i can do those things... it just shouldn't take extended periods of time and it should be like a project - start, set goal, execute tasks, obtain results, end. Not a cycle, not a repetitive thing which doesn't have any end; because when it goes in that direction, i don't know how to validate myself. i get stressed when i don't see results. i get bothered when i work 15 hours a day plus weekends and get no results. i get frustated when i'm putting 200% and yet i don't see any improvements. and it repeats itself everyday, every week, every month. there's no end in sight!!!

well now i'm wondering why having to validate my worth or my existence is important... but i'll tackle that problem next. at least now, i know how to motivate myself and handle my "boredom".

implications... well... hhhmmm... i'm a stickler to finishing what i started. so rest assured, i'm not going to just drop everything like a hot potato and vamoose out the door. i will finish what i need to do, and then... i have to go do what i want to do :)