old post: ...but i've never been to me

i love that song from Charlene Oliver (née D'Angelo)... and now, more than ever, i really relate to the song...

a few days ago, my life took a sudden turn when i realized that i don't know who i am anymore. i know for quite a long time that i let work define me and who i am. but subconsciously, i let someone define me more - to a point where, now i don't know if i want the things i do because i really do, or because i've always measured them up in reference to someone.

i feel like taking a retreat and really thinking about my life and what i want. or maybe this is just a phase and i feel lost only bec one of the many things i'd strongly believed in failed me in an apocalyptic level. i hope it's the latter part bec it's really scary not knowing who i am and what i want. i'm turning 26 this year, isn't that scary? well, a good friend said i'm so young if i think about it... that some people realize they don't know who they are in their 40s or 50s... and i guess, if i'm thinking about this now, it is a blessing.

the thing is, i've been thinking about this for two days now.... and i don't know where to begin. i really don't. i've been like this longer than i can remember that asking myself if this is really me, or if this is really what i want, feels like i'm running around in circles.

i'm all about goals. in each part of my life, there always has to be goals. having goals have been drilled to me since i was, gee, 6 years old? and i never stopped. never. i remember when i was in college, when i received my first "report card" at the end of the semester, i calculated really quickly if i would still make any Laude... and having known that i could, i quickly shifted gears to reach that goal. i seriously, seriously calculated and even made projections on my grades and subjects just to reach that spot.

so not having a goal now... pretty much disorients me. i'd like to try though. how to function without one. it could be fun...

how i wish i can exist in a bubble right now... shut out everything and everyone from my life and think about me, and life, and where i'm headed at this point. but i can't. i can't think of who i am separated from the entire world... nor can i think of life and where i want to go isolated from everyone else. unless i really want to be hermit living in cave somewhere.

so i have to suck this one up and fumble my way through the first few steps... maybe my next goal should be a non-goal... or maybe my next goal is to know me better. that sounds fun... not! lol.

♪♫ "i've been to paradise, but i've never been to me" ♪♫