old post: waking up

eventhough it didn't go the way i wanted it to, i'm glad because it made me realize that we're not on the same wavelength.

it's funny because i always thought we'd understand each other - we always do in an uncanny sort of way - but for this one instance, you think differently and i think differently as well.

i feel lost... i do. because i just realized i was striving all my life to make myself an equal to you... to be "good enough" to stand beside you. i don't know if it was love but i was willing to find out. But it won't work if only i want it - after all, it takes two to tango...

it's amazing and scary right now... because i feel like i can press the reset button on my life and start all over again. a good friend said yesterday "Shai, before you can love someone, first you have to love youself"; to which i said "I know, but see, now I don't know who i am anymore".

It's weird because as I've told you... "I didn't fall inlove with you because of who you are or what you've done with your life... I did because when I'm with you I know who I am and what life is all about." And if you can't rationalize me being part of your life, right now, or ever... i guess i shouldn't push myself so hard.

I've always believed that you should do things only because you want to, and never because of another person's will. But even i've fallen into that trap. I've been asking myself since yesterday - am I this way because I feel that by being like this, it would make me good enough for you? Or am i this way because this is really me. I honestly don't know anymore. I guess now, I have to find that out.

It's scary really. But I'll figure it out. Maybe this time, I'll love me more :)