old post: being sick again...

... reminds me how life is so precious.

i don't know why i always think i'm invincible. i don't know whatever gave me the idea in the first place.

i have been running myself to the ground since i've had the freedom to do so... which i think was a few years before college. what's sad is that, reflecting upon it, i may have been more of a loose cannon than anything else.

i've been reading about these books about going for your happiness and living life... about taking risks and embracing life... i'm 26 and i'm not sure i've truly embraced life. i'm still choosing, always, to stay in my comfort zones.

i've always wanted to take up programming... i kept pushing it for tomorrow for so long... i've had these business plans in my mind for some months now... but so far, zilch on the startup.

part of it is that i know i have to commit to something. i don't want to start another halfbaked "shaina" idea. i want to commit to something yet i'm precariously halfway between two things that i want.

i've been saying i need to make decisions soon. yeah, i've been postponing that as well.

why is it so hard for me to make this decision? oh right... my greatest fear - failure. the one thing i'm most scared of, more than death, more than torture, more than spiders even... failure. i heard this speech from JK Rowling about the "fringe benefits of failure" and how it can lead you to discover what truly is yourself.

i can't decide bec i don't want to fail. i imagine failing and i balk. i know that it's getting back up that counts... but still... the thought is freezing me.

i want to close my eyes and leap... and who knows, maybe the fall won't be so bad. i'll let you know if - when - i take that leap.